James Spader often plays judgemental snobby ass clowns in movies. More to the point, he often plays a dick.
So what I'm saying is, Miller Lite is a dick.
For the record, this conclusion has no bearing on the awesome brilliance of Mr. James Spader. I personally hope he becomes the new Office Manager at Dunder-Mifflin on The Office, as more Spader is always a good thing. Spader himself kicks ass.
This is not the case with Miller Lite, as less is more. And by that, I mean I never actually put Miller Lite to my lips.
My issue with Miller Lite stems from their new ad campaign depicting the 'litegirls' saving various men from making choices that would deem them less than a man. This comes on the heels of their year-long campaign of telling dudes "how to be a man."
First of all, what is with advertising executives and their newfound incessant need to sell products aimed at men by depicting men as idiots. Every commercial break seems to feature a man doing something moronic and immature. Is this supposed to make me want to buy your product? If that weren't bad enough, these messages of stupidity are starting to come wrapped in a nicely placed identity crisis bow. Apparently, companies like Miller Lite think there are millions of men suffering from 'man inadequacies'. Never mind the fact that if anything defines a 'real man', it most certainly is someone who doesn't need anyone to tell them what he should and should not like. Least of all someone like Miller Lite. I think Eddie Vedder's public acknowledgement of his love for James Taylor in the new issue of Rolling Stone certainly exemplifies my point. Anyone wanna tell that guy he's not a real man?
Of course, I find phenomenal irony in the fact that a LITE BEER is going around telling all us guys how to act. A lite beer? Are you fucking kidding me? Your very name screams out wuss. Miller Lite claiming to be the expert on men is like a hipster walking around the bar pontificating on the brilliance of Nickelback. Lite beer... oh, you're so funny. I'd like to put Miller Lite's commercials side by side with a competing company to see the difference. Put forty dudes in a room and run Miller Lite's ad campaign next to Sam Adams' and see how many guys opt for the shiny blue and gold afterward.
Miller Lite... so James Spader of you.
Their latest commercial has me riled up the most, and I know there will be guys out there that disagree with me, but I don't really care. To summarize the genius of this new ad, a man is apparently saved from being less of a man by the Miller Litegirls. His offense? He was about to buy some bodywash with something like strawberry in the title.
To this, I say, screw you Miller Lite. Buying bodywash is not an indicator of a pussy. You know what is? BUYING MILLER LITE.
I know some dudes still rock the bar of soap as their preferred choice of cleansing product, and that's their choice. But to me, the bar of soap is an archaic product best left to longshore fishermen and Best Westerns. First of all, the bar of soap leaves a filmy residue that reminds me of the slighty sticky surface at the top of your Mom's Thanksgiving gravy bowl. It's something my Dad uses. Much like the mustache, it's not 1974 anymore.
In contrast, body wash leaves you cleaner. It scrapes dead skin cells off. Statistically, body wash is like the 90's Chicago Bulls. It's just better.
Yes, a bar of soap will get the job done, but so will a stick of butter.
And, have you seen a bar of soap post-shower? Are you kidding me?! The amount of unknown disgusting debris makes me shudder just thinking about the potential outcomes. If that makes me less than a man, so be it. It's like saying you're less of a man if you don't openly enjoying contracting chlamydia. I mean, come on!
Every guy has been faced with the awkward moment when they realize due to timing and other factors, he must shower at his buddy's place. Stepping into some other dude's shower can be dicey, and nothing makes it worse than staring face to face with a bar of Irish Spring. You just played basketball for three hours and now you're faced with the prospect of having your boy's soap touch your man region. Never mind that his bar of soap has most assuredly been in his man region.
And if you ARE single, even more of a reason to get some god damn body wash. I assure you, whatever lady your lucky enough to have spent the night with will be appreciative. I find it hard to believe there are a lot of ladies out there that think, "hmmm, I really hope this guy I just had drunken sweaty sex with has a bar of soap." It's so obvious.
Rocking a bar of soap is like walking around with Old Spice on. It's 2011. We've actually discovered a better and cleaner way to wash ourselves people. Move on. They were using bars of soap in the 1700's, and even then they thought it was kind of neanderthal-esque. If you love the bar of soap so much, why not eliminate your toothbrush while you're at it. Who needs to actually brush that area? Just throw some toothpaste in your mouth and swish it around. It's virtually the same principle.
Listen, no one said you had to get a fruity scented bottle of bodywash. There are hundreds of products available. Do the dude thing and buy the cheapest one. I guarantee it's still better than a bar of soap. And when the bottle is empty, you're not stuck with greasy little shards that you're unsure of how to utilize as they fall out of your hands. You just get a new bottle dude. It's not that hard.
In closing, Miller Lite sucks. It sucks for all the reasons above.
But you know why you suck even more Miller Lite?
Your beer tastes like a bar of soap after an entire city got done washing their ass with it.