Dear Women of the World-
As men, we love you. We love everything about you. And although most of us aren't willing to admit it publicly, we know you're better than us. You're smarter, more sensible, and willing to grow as a person at a much quicker rate than we are.
We're idiots. We know we're idiots. Some of us even try to work on our idiocy, only to have withdrawal symptoms creep in around the three-month period. We'll be going about life in a responsible fashion, having you think we've finally turned the corner. But then it'll happen without warning, the urge to act out like a stupid monkey let loose from a caged in environment. We'll probably have a few too many drinks. Perhaps eat something we'd never normally consider. It'll most certainly be fried. Whatever the case, we'll indulge our innate buffoonery instincts and howl at the moon.
Just last year, after a pleasant evening filled with equal parts Pinot Noir and adult-orientated conversation with our favorite couple The Nightwings, Baron Nightwing and I busted out some old school WWF wrestling moves in a frenzied impromptu matchup. There were Ric Flair chops, Shawn Michaels superkicks, and consistent views of our sweaty, slightly pregnant bellies.
Sad as that was, there will no doubt be a rematch at some point.
It's just in our DNA to be idiots.
Unfortunately, some men not only act like idiots, they are idiots. Especially when it comes to equality between men and women. For whatever reason, these neanderthals can't seem to comprehend how much you are clearly ahead of us in so many ways. I've worked for women. I've stood up for women. And with the exception of my refusal to play coed softball, I have very much been a man who recognizes the absolute power and intelligence all of you women possess. In fact, I sometimes look at my fellow man and shake my head in disbelief that this is the lot of choices you girls have in finding a mate. I mean, WOW. The classy collection of male clowns roaming this earthly plane is astounding to me. When I think about how The Angel looks the other way at my Star Wars devotion, I realize it's more a matter of the lesser of two evils than it is she thinks my Chewbacca impression is bad ass. Finding a decent dude must make you feel like Indiana Jones trying to track down the Holy Grail, especially in Los Angeles.
Bottom line- you women rule and deserve to be treated as more than equals in every facet of life.
I preface this as a way of preparing you for the possible backlash I may receive for the proposal I'm about to lay out.
Buying an engagement ring can be one of the most stressful actions a man ever commences. I realize a lot of you gals know exactly what type of ring you want. Clarity. Cut. Band size. Color. Style. Whether or not diamonds are on the sides or not. Carat size. Etc. First off, let me speak for many dudes of the world in telling you WE HAVE VIRTUALLY NO IDEA WHAT THAT STUFF MEANS. Quite frankly, I didn't even know those various choices existed until I bought my own.
We're dudes. We like to walk into a store, point like a jungle cat marking his prey, and grunt in acceptance at the transaction about to take place. Just give us a damn price so we can drown our sorrows in a Orange Dreamsicle at the local T.G.I. Fridays.
I know I'm kind of pulling the curtain back on The Wizard, but you ladies have no idea how much we talk about the ring. And I don't necessarily mean in emotional terms. I heard from no less than three married friends who made some sort of snide comment in regards to me purchasing a ring, comments about "enjoy dropping that savings account buddy."
Now, for me, and I say this with complete conviction... I was excited to drop my savings account on my bride to be. I knew that it meant I had graduated from idiot to lesser-idiot, as I was willing to devote my life to what I believe is the most wonderful woman on the planet. I would lose an arm just to be with The Angel, so monetary matters meant nothing to me.
But that doesn't mean they weren't discussed with fellow dudes. Three of my fellow friends got engaged this past year, and they all had lengthy conversations about the ring with me, with each other, with themselves. We're afraid to tell you ladies this, as we're concerned we'll look shallow and insensitive. And so it is, in back alleys and back corners of suburbia, we talk about it to each other.
You need to understand, talking about the money we are about to spend and how it stresses us out is really just subtext for the larger issue at hand. When we lament the fact that platinum bands cost exponentially more than white gold bands, we're really freaking out over the future, not the ring. What I mean is, we still have doubts we can be a good man. We have doubts we can provide a future, a family, or just the right amount of love that you so surely deserve.
We also realize we need to alter our idiot instincts even more.
And so ladies, this is where my proposal comes in.
We spend months agonizing over the ring and making sure it's just right. You're an angel, and we want to assure you that we're capable of delving into ring specifics with the same vigor that we assess Derek Jeter's fly ball to ground ball ratio statistics. We're here for you. And so we spend days with diamond and ring specialists, all just to make you happy and show you that you're the one for us. And moreover, we're the one for you.
And when we get down on our knee... after we've called your Father and convinced him we're not that big of a moron... after we've sweated every last detail of the ring and subsequent proposal... after you (hopefully) say yes... after all that, we hope you'll remember that WE ARE one of the needles in the haystack. By committing to us, you've entrusted your future on a combined unity and belief that our love is true.
We're not that big of an idiot after all.
So then, after we've gone through this arduous process, how could you possibly show your love and devotion to us?
CUE AWESOME GUY-LIKE MUSIC, POSSIBLY RUSH....
You can get us a giant flat screen TV!
OH YEAH BOYS, it's time we start a new tradition! If you're male and you're reading this, crank up the Guns n Roses and celebrate this momentous movement!
That's right ladies, I think it's time to show the good men of the world that they deserve a little love for their awesomeness! That's right, I think ladies of the world should show their bad-ass equality and also give their new groom to be a sweet-ass gift that showcases your ability to look past our occasional bouts of kid-like excitement!
Don't want to get a flat-screen TV? Okay, I got some other ideas...
How about this little bad boy here, as you damn well know as we get older, Poker games will be taking place on random Tuesdays...
Yes, it's outlandishly stupid to spend that much money on something like this, but would you look at those damn cup holders???
Have a competitive junkie in your house? One of these insanely overpriced and unneeded attractions is just the thing! Because let's face it, your communion is going to need something to settle the score on fights and arguments over little things like who gets to control the remote... why not settle it on the ice... WABAM!
Is your husband-to-be a geek? Well, lemme tell you ladies, nothing says I love you like a totally inexcusable savings account depletion that this bad boy will cost you... but come on, it doubles as a couples dinner table!!!!! Romance is nothing if not blinking ghosts circling your chicken teriyaki bowl.
Ladies, what I'm saying is, we think we deserve a token of affection too. Now, I know a lot of you will say something along the lines of this...
"Yeah dude. You give us the ring. But we give you our lives by saying yes."
Totally valid point. Except that we're doing the same. By not acknowledging our lifelong commitment, you diminish us. Basically, that argument (as beautiful as it is), is invalid on those terms.
We're even willing to discuss this gift with you! Remember, we're going to be together for eternity, so we might as well go down to the local Best Buy and plunk down some serious money on a surround sound system that will make our elderly neighbors contemplate calling the cops when we play something like Transformers. Ladies, what I'm saying is, we're both going to appreciate whatever said gift is bought.
You're telling me you don't want to watch True Blood on a giant HD screen? Come on, think of the upsides!
And for those of you wondering why my own personal lady doesn't leave me after reading this? It's because we did get our own little gift that me the dude wanted. We just bought a Canon 7D HD camera for my creative endeavors.
She's one with the movement!
I believe this idea is going to sweep the country. It has to. It's time for more equality ladies.
IT'S TIME FOR TVS!!!!!!!!
What do you say ladies????
NOTE: Author has now turned down the hair metal he had blasting, transitioning into something soft like Dave Matthews, and checking the pillows on the couch for comfort in case he'll be sleeping there for a few nights.